


Painfully Obvious

by CelebrateTheFreedom



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Coming Out, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Cuddling & Snuggling, Cynthia Murphy Is a Good Mother, Everybody Lives, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Happy Ending, Heidi Hansen Is a Good Mother, High School Drama, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Jared is a jerk, Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Being an Asshole, M/M, Meet the Family, Oblivious, Rumors, Sharing Clothes, Sharing a Bed, dumb boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-03-09 23:04:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18926788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelebrateTheFreedom/pseuds/CelebrateTheFreedom
Summary: Connor shoved Evan into the lockers one morning, that same day Evan finds him in the Orchard and rambles about trees and nature.He had no idea how he changed their destinies by doing that. A tender friendship comes from it. Maybe even more.





	1. Smitten

**Author's Note:**

> oh god that’s the first time I’m posting a fic not having completely finished writing it. It’s a bit frightening and exciting. Hope you like it!!

He watched Connor walk down the hall, Jared had made a stupid joke and he had nervously laughed because there wasn’t a chance he would be able to tell Jared off. He was too anxious for that even if he wanted to yell at the boy and say he was a jerk.

Connor had shoved him onto the lockers and he had stared at the boy with wide eyes. He was surprised and a little disappointed. He knew Connor would sometimes take his anger on other people, he just didn’t expect it to be him.

Zoe helped him to get up and apologized. It was all a bit awkward, Evan didn’t know what to say.

It had been a couple of days since that day. He still watched Connor walk down the hall. It was simply sad that people didn’t let him just be, let him exist in this world in peace.

Connor had apologized to him. He had signed Evan’s cast and smiled shyly at him. There was a softness in his eyes that Evan couldn’t forget. There was also deep hurt and sadness that Evan kept thinking about. He sighed looking at the long-haired boy walking with his head down and shoulders hunched, it seemed he tried to appear smaller as if he could disappear. Evan understood the feeling too well.

He had found Connor that day on the orchard Evan loved to visit. The grass was too grown out and the whole place was pretty unkept. But he loved being in contact with nature. It made him feel grounded and connected to the world like anything else.

He saw Connor in the distance, he bit his lip and wondered if he should approach him. He decided to not overthink it for the first time in his life.

“Hey, Connor,” Evan said standing awkwardly hovering over the other boy.

Connor seemed startled. He blinked many times, his eyebrows were arched.

“Hi, Hansen.”

Evan sat down even though he hadn’t been invited to do so.

“You come here often?” Evan asked and blushed.

“Not really, you?” Connor’s voice sounded weird for some reason.

“Pretty often, I love it here.” Evan didn’t know why he was doing that but he stared straight ahead and went on and on about why he loved the orchard so much. He talked about the trees, the birds, the flowers. He was rambling for quite some time when he finally had the courage to look at Connor. He had this small smile on his face as if he was trying to hide it or stop himself from doing so.

“Uh, sorry,” Evan’s face was completely red by now.

“No biggie. Thank you, Evan,” Connor’s voice was all choked up and he looked away quickly.

“uh? You’re welcome?”

Connor looked at him once again and smiled a sad smile. They stayed in silence for a long time.

“I think nature grounds me too.”

For a second Evan thought Connor was messing with him until he looked over and saw the vulnerable look on Connor’s eyes. They shared a look at the beautiful sunset and stayed in comfortable silence.

It was getting cold pretty fast and Evan hadn’t brought a coat, he hadn’t intended to stay long. Connor seemed to notice the boy shivering slightly. He took his sweatshirt off and handed it to Evan.

“You- uh, you don’t need to do that,” Evan stammered.

“Please, I insist. I’m about to leave anyway.”

Evan took the sweatshirt from Connor’s hands and put it on. It smelled nice, like fabric softener, a bit of cologne and something he couldn’t place.

It was comfy and a little worn out. It engulfed him and he snuggled into it, hugging it close to his body. Connor smiled at that and both boys got up. Connor put a hand on Evan’s shoulder.

“Thank you, Evan Hansen,” he said that with so much certainty that Evan blushed even if he didn’t know what he was being thanked for.

“I- uh,” Evan blinked a couple of times, speechless. Connor let his hand fall from Evans' shoulder and started walking to the exit of the Orchard.

“You coming?” He looked back calling Evan.

“Sure,” Evan jogged to catch up with him.

“Do you need a ride?” He asked as they arrived where his car was parked.

“I live like really close, so there’s no need, I can walk home and-“ Connor interrupted him by getting in the car and reaching across the seat to open the other door for Evan to get in.

“Uh- okay,” Evan breathed out as Connor started the engine and got the car moving.

Evan gave him the directions to his house, it was actually really close to the Orchard, as he had mentioned, so it took them no time at all to arrive there. It was weird how their silence never made Evan anxious, usually it did and it made him ramble and twitch.

He felt like he didn’t need words to just being there with Connor, it was a nice feeling, his mind wasn’t running a hundred miles a minute because he felt like Connor wouldn’t judge him, whether he talked or stayed silent.

“Thanks, Connor,” Evan turned to him and smiled as Connor put his hair behind his ear and nodded.

He got out of the car and turned one last time as he reached his doorstep, he waved. He got into his house and only then he realized he kept Connor’s sweatshirt. It was nice and if he fell asleep that night with it on, no one had to know.

He kept the sweatshirt in his backpack to give it back to Connor but Evan always seemed to forget about it until he got home and it was still there. He slept with it on most nights and he was only slightly ashamed of it.

He was at school. It had maybe been two weeks since the day at the orchard and it was particularly chilly. He had forgotten his own sweatshirt at home and he hated feeling cold, it made him shiver and it reminded him of the beginning of his panic attacks.

He put Connor’s sweatshirt on and zipped it almost all the way up. He and Connor had lunch together on the back of the school now, they ate their lunch and talked.

Connor had an impressive dry humor and Evan loved it. God, he was having the best time at school since, like, elementary school. Whenever he made Connor smile or laugh he felt butterflies in his stomach. It was all so friendly and there was no pressure.

He saw Connor coming in his direction and was momentarily afraid he would be mad he was wearing the sweatshirt.

Connor stopped in front of him and chuckled. “Don’t zip it all the way up, it looks silly,” He got closer and played with the zipper, lowering it halfway through and fixing the collar slightly.

Evan didn’t think he could access his vocal cords at that moment, he opened and closed his mouth so many times that Connor chuckled again, shook his head and winked at him walking away to his next period.

Evan took a deep breath and touched his chest, right where his heart was located, trying to will it to slow down with the sheer force of thought. He licked his lips and tried to go on with his day as if he hadn’t had his sexuality epiphany awakening. He liked boys, too, it seemed.

It made sense why he was always thinking about Connor or how he blushed when he said anything slightly flirty, it was surprising he didn’t realize it sooner.

Evan thought he would explode or something when at lunch Connor laid his head on Evan’s lap and started ranting about the last book he had read and how twisted the ending had been. Evan started idling running his fingers through Connor’s hair and massaging his scalp. It was all so intimate that he wondered if it was happening at all.

When the bell rang, they burst from their little bubble and had to go back to the real world and school was part of it. As they got up and Evan looked at Connor, he let out a snort. His hair was a mess, most likely because Evan had been running his fingers through it.

He stood on his tippy toes and got super close to Connor to fix his hair. He hadn’t realized how close they were until he let his eyes go from Connor’s hair to his face. They were mere inches apart and Evan held his breath. The bell rang one more time breaking them from this trance.

Evan blushed and stepped away. Connor grabbed his hand and dragged him inside. Evan has to jog a little to keep up with the other boys' long legs.

“Wait,” Evan said between giggles, “Your legs are too long.”

“You have tiny legs, Hansen,” Connor deadpanned, the effect lost by his irregular breathing after walking fast and dragging Evan along.

They parted ways with a smile and missed the way Jared had seen the whole interaction, he was pulling a weird face and if Evan or Connor had noticed they’d know that nothing good could come from that.

Evan tried to focus on his lessons but it was getting increasingly hard, he kept thinking how close he and Connor had been, how he was so comfortable with Evan’s touch.

By the end of the day, he was at his locker when he heard the gossip. Connor had thrown a chair in Jared’s general direction, yelled and left school. It had been some time since Connor had a public outburst like that. It seemed Jared knew how to get the worst out of him. Evan didn’t blame him, Jared had no filters on his assholeness whatsoever.

Evan approached Jared awkwardly to know if he could get more information on what happened. Jared had that shit-eating grin when he got closer.

“Finally realized what a freak your little friend is, Evan?” Evan was confused, why was Jared calling himself a freak? He was never one for self-deprecating jokes, he was much more of a gloating kind of guy. Evan frowned and after a few seconds, he realized Jared must have been talking about Connor.

Evan made a noncommittal sound, “What happened?”

“Oh I asked if he was recruiting you for his school shooting plan or whatever,” Jared laughed as if that was a masterpiece of a joke. Peak Jared humor.

“That’s really fucked up,” Evan said with more force to his voice than he had ever thought was possible when talking to Jared.

“Aw, now you’re defending your freaky boyfriend?” Jared tried to humiliate him like he had done millions of times before. He was not letting it happen, not when it came to Connor.

“You’re a joke, Jared. How long are you going to keep hiding behind this persona? It’s sad really, just- don’t talk to me again, please.” His trembling hands were clutching the straps of this backpack so hard his knuckles were white. He was glad his voice didn’t waver and he didn’t stutter.

He turned his back to an astonished looking Jared and went on his way to find Connor. He took his phone out and called him, he didn’t answer the first time. Not even in the second. It actually took Evan nine tries to get hold of Connor.

“What?” Connor roared on the other side of the line.

“Where are you?” Evan’s voice sounded small but not scared.

“Home.”

“I’ll- uh, I’d like to- Would you want me to maybe, uh. come over?” It was all a jumble of unfinished sentences and hesitation but Evan really really wanted to be there. He heard Connor sigh and breath out a tired ‘Okay’ before hanging up.


	2. you were good to me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan helps Connor, then it's his turn. 
> 
> TW Evan has a panic attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of the chapter is the song you were good to me by Jeremy Zucker and Chelsea Cutler!

Evan saw Zoe close by, she was talking to Alana and another girl he didn’t recognize.

 

“Excuse me, uh,” He picked at his cast, standing nervously next to the girls. “Zoe, I’m going to your house to meet Connor and-” Zoe interrupted him.

 

“Wow, after hearing he threw a chair across the classroom? Good luck but I’m going to Alana’s.”

 

Evan didn’t understand why she wished him good luck but nodded and waved, turning to leave.

 

“We can give you a ride, if you want,” Alana offered and Evan nodded again. In less than ten minutes he was standing inside the Murphy’s house. Zoe had opened the door for him and said Connor's room was upstairs.

 

Evan heard a shattering noise and went up to investigate. He walked carefully and opened a door carefully. 

 

Connor was sitting on one corner, his room was trashed. There were torn papers all over the floor and broken decor scattered around.

 

“Connor?” Evan called from the door. Connor looked up, his eyes were wet and his hair was a mess as if he had been pulling at it. He sniffled and curled up on himself.

 

Evan approached him with uncertainty, he wasn’t scared but he didn’t know if he other boy would want him there.

 

Evan sat by him, touching him shoulder lightly. “I didn’t think you’d actually come.” Connor whispered.

 

“Why wouldn’t I?”

 

“You must’ve heard what happened at school.”

 

“Connor,” Evan said his name softly. Connor looked at him and lunged forward clutching Evan’s shirt and burying his face on Evan’s neck.

 

Evan was stunned for a second but hugged him close. He started caressing Connor’s hair and tried evening out his breathing so as to calm the other boy.

 

They stayed some time in that position until Connor detach himself from Evan and got up. He extended his hand and Evan took it to help him up.

 

“Would you lay down with me?” Connor mumbled, his cheeks getting hotter by the second and probably blushing terribly.

 

Evan nodded and pulled them to the bed. He laid down first and Connor cuddled to him. Resting his head on Evan’s chest and an arm around his waist.

 

“Talk to me,” Evan kept his voice low.

 

“I’m tired, Evan,” Connor sighed. “I’m fucking tired of never being enough. Not normal enough, calm enough, good enough to just be left alone.”

 

“You are, though,” Evan mumble. Connor made a questioning noise and frowned, even it Evan couldn’t see him. “I see how much you hold back and how much better you’ve gotten at it.”

 

“You do?”

 

“Yeah, I know you’ve been putting more effort into school too.”

 

“You make me do all of my homework,” Connor said in an accusatory tone. Evan chuckled and shifted until they both were leaning sideways. He wrapped his arms around Connor’s neck and sighed.

 

“You help me all the time,” Evan whispered. He felt Connor shrug and hold him closer. They stayed in silence until Evan moved again.

 

“Today was too exhausting, I demand a nap,” He had his back against Connor’s chest and they were spooning.

 

“Yes, your highness,” Connor pinched Evan’s side lightly and the boy yelped a little, which made them giggle.

 

That was how Zoe found them a few hours later. She peeked inside Connor’s room and almost cooed at the cuteness of the sight. They were sound asleep and snuggled up in the middle of the bed.

 

She looked at the state of Connor’s room with a frown, but it didn’t seem he had done anything to Evan so she shrugged and went back to her room.

 

The boys woke up not much later. Evan woke up slowly, stretching and yawning like a lazy cat. Connor watched him with a small smile on his face. His previous rage and hurt seemed so distant from here. 

 

“Morning, sleepyhead,” Connor said when Evan turned on his back.

 

“I need to call my mom,” Evan’s voice was still a little scruffy from sleeping. 

 

“Yeah, she’ll be worried.”

 

“She probably hasn’t noticed yet,” Evan shrugged. Connor nodded his head.

 

Evan ended up calling his mom and she had noticed he wasn’t home. After hanging up he saw twelve worried texts from her. He didn’t have his notifications on, it made him more anxious, so he hadn’t noticed before calling.

 

He said goodbye to Connor and was impressed by how not awkward things were. They had literally cuddled and slept together. That was pretty gay. Ok, so right now he wanted to freak out because he most definitely wasn’t straight?!

 

Evan arrived home and locked himself into his room after making sure his mom knew he was there. He got his laptop and spent so long searching things about sexuality that when he looked at the clock it was way past midnight. He hadn’t done any homework and couldn’t find it in himself to do it now. 

 

At least now he knew he was definitely bisexual and it didn’t scare him half as much as he suspected. He didn’t think Connor was straight as well. It felt weird that he didn't make a big deal out of it as he did everything else.

 

Evan arrived at school that morning and saw Connor walking down the hall. He kept his head down and Evan thought that no one here deserved to know the real Connor, he deserved to be left alone. He just does. Evan sighs turning back to his locker. It was so painfully obvious how he felt about Connor. Now that he acknowledged it to himself he wondered how it was so plain to see for other people. 

 

He kept wearing the sweatshirt to sleep. He did so last night, it was smelling like Connor again after their cuddle session. He had been about to ask Connor if he could maybe give it back and get another one that smelled like him. He was glad he didn't need to sound like a total creep asking now.

 

He headed to class only to be stopped by Jared. He held in a breath. He didn't think he would get out of what he said yesterday unscathed.

 

”What's up?” Jared said too casually.

 

”Uh, I need to go to class, Jared.” 

 

Jared said nothing but also didn't let him leave. Evan’s breath was getting worked up, he was shy of panting and it seemed the walls were closing on him and there was something heavy pressing on his chest. He started hyperventilating and pushed Jared away, running directly to the bathroom. He doesn’t know how he manages to send a message to Connor before sitting on the gross bathroom floor and crying.

 

Connor is there and he is talking softly to Evan, he can’t make out the words but the sound is soothing. He had his hand over Connor’s heart and he tries to breath in and out with him. He can’t get his breathing to even out and sobs harder. Connor keeps his hand over his heart and hugs him. 

 

Being held close helps more than anything else. It brings a sense of protection Evan can’t explain. After a few minutes his breathing starts matching Connor’s and his sobs turn into small sniffles.

 

“I’m so sorry, Con,” He whispers into his neck.

 

“You okay?”

 

“I guess?” Evan sighed. He finally stopped crying.

 

“What happened?”

 

“Jared wouldn’t let me leave, I guess I freaked out.”

 

“I hate that guy so much,” Connor growled and pulled Evan close one more time.

 

“Do you think you can go to class?” Connor asks after some time.

 

“I don’t know,” Evan said sincerely.

 

“Okay,” Connor started getting up. “Wash your face and we’ll see how you feel, alright?”

 

Evan nodded and did as Connor instructed. The boy stood by his side, not hovering over him but like a steady force that was there if he needed.

 

Evan deemed himself fine enough to go to the second period, they headed to the library to kill some time and lay low. They sat in the back, hidden by most of the shelves. They talked quietly about nothing in particular for some time. 

 

When they got up, Evan grabbed Connor’s hand and smiled shyly at him. ”Thank you,” He said simply. 

 

”Anytime, Ev, ” Connor tugged at his hand and they walked down the hall hand in hand. 


	3. Your face can show (what you’re hiding in your hands)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is dumb and gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title is from hiding in your hands on the deluxe deh broadway recording

Connor takes Evan to the front of his class and releases his hand, he reached up to touch Evan's neck tenderly.

”You sure you okay?” He spoke quietly to Evan and he nodded.

”I guess so.”

”Okay, I gotta go to class, text me.”

”Thanks, Con.”

Connor heads to his own classes and can't stop himself from checking his phone every few seconds to see if Evan had texted him.

He starts walking to their little spot when the bell rang indicating lunchtime. He notices people looking and whispering to each other, which is not news to him, really. He is used to it, even if it annoys the hell out of him.

He decided to ignore it in favor of reaching Evan as soon as possible. However, he stops abruptly when he hears Evan’s name along with his.

”What the fuck did you just say?” He confronts a girl that was talking to her friend.

”I- uh- It's,” The girl stutters seeming scared. Her friend frowns and speaks up.

”We just heard people saying you and Evan Hansen are a couple. What's wrong with you, dude?”

Connor looked at her with wide eyes and walked away quickly, saying nothing. He just couldn't believe people were talking about it. He had resigned himself when it came to being the school gossip or weirdo. Only he couldn't drag Evan into this shit. He wanted to scream and shout from the top of his lungs.

He arrived at their spot behind the school and Evan was already there. He still looked a bit shaken. He would have to deal with it later because Evan needed him right now.

He sat beside the by Evan and smiled. ”Hey.”

”Hi,” Evan says smiling shyly. ”I'm sorry for earlier.”

“What do you mean?” Connor was genuinely confused.

“Crying all over you, freaking out over nothing, you choose.”

“You don’t-“ Connor frowns. “Should I apologize for yesterday?”

“What?” Evan tilts his head. “Of course not!”

“Then you don’t have to apologize for anything.”

“But I-“

“Ev, we don’t control what sets us off,” Connor grabs Evan’s hand. “I’m glad I was there for you and that you were there for me, too. I don’t think I thanked you yesterday.”

Evan smiled and shrugged a little. By the end of the lunchbreak, Evan had his head on Connor’s lap as the boy ran his hand through his hair.

It felt so good that Evan was sure that if they had more time he would gladly fall asleep that way. He felt safe and at ease with Connor around. Connor looked down at Evan and felt like he could burst from the cuteness. Evan had his eyes closed and seemed so relaxed that Connor never wanted for it to end.

They had to go back to the real world and Connor had decided he would tone down everything he did in public with Evan because although it may not seem like anything much for them, it clearly was for the rest of the school.

 

By the end of the day, he and Zoe were going back home. She was driving and Connor was looking out the window, just like usual.

”So,” she startled him out of his thoughts. ”You and Evan Hansen?”

”You heard the rumors, then?” He sounded done with it all.

”Rumors?” Zoe frowned.

”Oh, isn't it what you're talking about?”

”Not really, I was just wondering how suddenly you were joined at the hip…”

”We’re friends,” Connor said quickly.

”Just friends?” Zoe had an eyebrow raised.

”So you did hear the rumors.” Connor deadpanned.

”You look cute together, that's all.”

”We do not.” Connor said forcefully.

”Oh, brother, ” Zoe chuckled. ”You do! You with your whole goth bad boy look and Evan has that good boy next door thing going on.”

Connor had his arms crossed and a pout on his lips. He was trying really hard not to blush but he didn't think it was working.

”And I saw you cuddling yesterday.”

Connor couldn't help the crimson color his whole face turned. Zoe looked at him quickly and laughed out loud.

”Oh my God, you _like_ him.”

”I do not!” Connor protested.

”You absolutely do! This is awesome.”

”Ugh, don't tell anyone.”

”I won't, ” Zoe said seriously.

”Promise?”

”Promise.”

They arrived home and each went to their own bedroom. Zoe smiled happily at him before disappearing inside hers. Connor wondered when was the last that kind of smile was directed at him. He sighed. It had been way too long.

Connor couldn’t stop thinking about it for the next few days and it must have definitely shown. Evan was eyeing him weirdly for the past few minutes as they hung out at his house. They were sat at the dinner table writing an essay for the class they shared.

“Okay,” Connor said looking at Evan and closing his laptop. “What’s wrong?”

“I should be the one asking that,” Evan mumbled. Connor just frowned and waited to see if he would go on. Evan sighed and rubbed at his eyes.

“Are you ashamed of me?”

“What? What kind of question is that?”

“Just answer, Connor,” Evan sounded tired.

“Of course not! Why would you think that?”

“Why would I-?” Evan let out a bitter laugh. “You barely talk to me at school when other people are around!”

“It’s because-“ Connor ran a hand through his hair. “Ugh, people started to talk.”

“Talk about what?” Evan was so confused.

“About us, about you,” Connor shrugged.

“I still don’t get it.”

“They think we are a thing.”

“Oh,” Evan’s brows went up.

“I’m no good for you, Ev,” Connor sounded resigned.

“You don’t get to decide that!” Evan had his jaw clenched in that stubborn way, he wasn’t giving up.

“I’m not worth it, Ev. You’ll be dragging your name into the mud by hanging with me at school.”

“I don’t give a damn about the gossip and the rumors, don’t you get it?”

“But-“ Evan didn't let him finish.

“It’s my decision to make, Connor. I’d rather be your friend than have a “pristine” image at school.”

”Evan, I'm gay. I don't think you'd want people from school thinking that of you.”

”They wouldn't be wrong.”


	4. let the world pass by

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Li Shang is a bisexual icon

Connor’s eyes were open so wide Evan was afraid they might pop out. He didn’t know what to do or say, his breathing was getting uneven and his hands started to shake. Connor seemed to notice he wasn’t dealing particularly well with his silence and snapped out of it.

Connor reached his hand out across the table and grabbed Evan’s hand. He squeezed it a bit and smiled at him, a shy little thing as if saying “I get it, I really do” and somehow that was enough of a reaction for Evan’s nerves and anxiety.

“Thank you for telling me,” Connor said simply. It felt big, much bigger than anything they shared up until now.

“I- uh, I’m actually bi.”

“That’s cool, more options to find love?” Connor cringed a little, he hoped it didn’t come out offensive.

Evan chuckled softly, “As if.”

“You’re a catch, dude,” Connor winked at him and Evan felt like he could explode.

“Try telling that to my anxiety,” He had a bitter tone to his voice.

“Don’t blame yourself for that, you’re a good friend and I know you’ll someone lucky enough to be with you.”

Connor felt almost sad saying those words. He wanted to be that person, Evan was way too nice and way too cute for him to deal. Besides that, the way Evan made him feel... it scared and excited him to no end. They could thrive together, but it wasn’t like Evan reciprocated his feelings.

He shook himself out of this thoughts before he’d become too sad and bitter. He didn’t want to be those douchebags who whined about being friendzoned because if he was in this friendship to get into Evan’s pants he wasn’t being a friend at all. He would be glad about what he had and deal with the rest.

That would be the mantra he’d live by from now on. Oh god, he was so dramatic. He got up and stretched his arms above his head, a few joints popping. Evan looked up at him with a questioning eyebrow raised.

“I say let’s watch Disney movies!” Connor said already heading to the living room.

Evan shook his head and smiled gathering his own things into a pile and following Connor. He saw the boy plopped down on the couch, his feet were up on the coffee table.

“What do you wanna watch?” Evan looked up at Connor after assessing his collection of Disney movies. It was his and his mom's thing, watching these movies together.

“To honor your coming out I say Mulan!”

“Because I found out who I truly am?” Evan tilted his head to the side like a puppy and Connor wanted to both hug him and punch him for being so cute. Connor scoffed at Evan’s answer.

“Of course not, it’s because of the bi icon General Li Shang.”

Evan chuckled and put on the movie, he sat by Connor and bumped their shoulders.

“You’re a dork,” Evan said glancing at him.

“You’re a dork,” Connor retorted, feeling better than he had felt in a long time. Both leaned back into the couch and made themselves comfortable. Evan had sat close to Connor, their thighs brushing slightly and their arms pressed together.

Connor liked to make snarky little comments during the movie and it amused Evan to no end. He had almost freaked himself out at the beginning of the movie wondering if he had sat too close and if it was all too weird but Connor seemed unaware of it all, he had jumped right into the snarky remarks and smirks.

It was roughly the middle of the movie when Evan suddenly got up startling Connor who sat up straight on the couch.

“What’s wrong?” He sounded concerned.

“I’m cold, I’m gonna grab a blanket.”

“Make it two!” Connor called from his place on the couch as Evan disappeared from his field of vision.

Evan came back a few moments with an armful of blanket. It was big and fluffy, it looked so soft and cuddly that Connor wanted to bury his face in it. Evan sat down and covered them both with the fluffy blanket before pressing play once again.

Evan took his shoes off and Connor copied him, putting his sock-clad feet onto the couch. They wiggled and shuffled until they found a comfortable enough position. Connor put his arm across the back of the couch and after a few beats, Evan let his head rest on the taller boy’s shoulder.

“It’s so funny how obviously into Ping Shang is,” Connor commented.

“I don’t think Disney planned for it to happen.”

“The animators were real LGBT warriors for making it too subtle for it to be in the movie but explicit enough for people to notice.”

“Go them!” Evan said in a sleepy voice, half-assedly fist-bumping the air. Connor chuckled and moved his arm from the back of the couch to hang around Evan’s neck. It didn’t take long for his breathing to even out and Evan be asleep. Connor tried to remain awake but the soft rise and fall of Evan’s chest lulled him to sleep as well.

Heidi arrived not long after that, she saw scattered papers and two laptops on the table and frowned thinking who Evan could have brought to the house. Maybe it was Jared. She stopped dead on her tracks when she took a look at the living room couch.

Evan and another boy were napping on the couch, his head pillowed on the boy’s chest and the boy had his head resting on top of Evan’s. They seemed relaxed and at ease. Heide couldn’t remember the last time she had seen Evan that at peace. No frown on his brows, no pout on his lips, no irregular breathing. Her boy seemed relaxed and rested. What else could she ask for?

With a smile on her face and a spring in her step, she went to her room to change. She was glad Evan was finally making friends, meeting new people, it was progress and for that she was grateful. She decided that even though she was tired she wanted to make something different tonight.

She went to the kitchen and decided she’d cook. No take out tonight. And she hoped Evan’s friend chose to stay and have dinner with them. It was all very simple but she did the best she could. She made some pasta and sauce. It was her mom’s famous sauce that she hadn’t made in forever. It made something in her warm up.

Evan stirred awake and in result woke Connor up as well. He felt his cheeks warming up, he had slept on Connor. They were once again snuggling and cuddling while asleep and he didn’t know what to make of it. He didn’t even have time to start freaking out because he heard noises in the kitchen and a scent that resembled too much Sunday lunches at Grandma’s.

He got up and walked to the kitchen carefully. His mom was by the stove with her hair up and an apron on. She was stirring something on a pan and looked up with a smile to greet him.

“Hi, honey,” She had a smile on her face and a chipper tone to her voice.

“Hey, mom,” Evan seemed a little startled.

“Hello, I’m Heidi, Evan’s mom!” She said looking above Evan’s head.

Evan turned around to looked at Connor. He still seemed a little sleep-tousled, his hair a little messy and a sleepy look on his face. Evan wanted to hug him close. He turned around to look at his mom again and both boys got into the kitchen looking a little uncertain.

Connor shuffled closer to Heidi. “I’m Connor, Evan’s, uh, friend?” It sounded like a question and Connor wanted to slap himself.

“Well, nice to meet you, Connor. Would you stay for dinner?”

“Uh, I don’t- My family is probably waiting for me,” Evan has never seen Connor look so awkward.

“I insist! Please, stay, I’d like to know more of Evan’s friend.” Heidi had a nice smile on her face.

Connor nodded and both Heidi and Evan beamed at him. He didn’t know what to do with himself so he stuffed his hand into the pockets of his jeans and shuffled awkwardly from one foot to the other.

“Why don’t you boys set the table? Dinner’s almost ready.”

Having the cue to leave the boys all but ran from the kitchen, leaving a chuckling Heidi behind. It was all too amusing for her.

They sat on the table, each taking their time to fix their plates and then Connor thought it would be like in his house, a million questions and a billion judgments. It was nothing like that really.

Heidi started talking about a funny story that happened in the hospital today, a patient running butt naked because he wanted to get his phone from his visitor's hands. It was very amusing and Connor found himself snorting as the story progressed.

She didn’t press to know how was Evan’s day but beamed at him when he said he had started to write his letter and told her about the assignment the English teacher had asked for them. Connor told them how much he liked that teacher and class. Evan looked at him with an almost proud look on his eyes. Connor felt his chest fill with something too close to pride and love. He shut it down immediately.

It was too nice, Heidi paid attention to the things he said and didn’t laugh at him when he said he liked to write. Evan looked at him startled and gave him a look that made him blush and sigh.

“I’d like to see some of your writing,” Evan mumbled afterward while he washed the dishes and Connor dried them.

“It’s not good,” Connor shrugged looking down. He was surprised when Evan pushed at his shoulder with slight force.

“Stop selling yourself short!”

“But it’s true,” Connor frowned. Evan just gave him a look. He liked the way Evan was so free with him. Connor could tell it was the real him when they were together.

Connor decided to drop it and just accept that Evan thought too much of him. “Okay, I’ll send you something, just try not to be too disappointed.” Evan grinned at him.

“Thanks, Con,” Evan said as they walked to the door.

“Thank you for letting me stay for so long,” Connor shuffled awkwardly and decided last minute to do something impulsive. He leaned down and kissed Evan’s cheek.

He hurried to his car, not looking back. If he had looked back he would have seen a stunned expression on Evan’s face transform into a beautiful smile as he touched the cheek that was kissed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor writes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is such a small chapter! It was needed to get the story going.  
> Hopefully another chapter will be coming reaaaally soon.

  
Connor arrived home and finished writing his essay. It took him some time and he was glad he had finished it. His English teacher had asked them to submit their essays by email and it was too close to the deadline for Connor to overthink his school work. Not that he really would anyway.

He attached the file and sent it. It took him a few seconds to realize he had wrongfully sent his teacher a short story he had been working on. He typed an apology and sent the right file right away and prayed the teacher would dismiss the last one.

He was a little insecure about his writing, okay, maybe he was very insecure. And although it was something he thoroughly enjoyed and found joy in, he had a hard time admitting he was good at something that wasn’t fucking things up.

He arrived at school the next day and immediately headed to where Evan was standing. He bumped their shoulders and smiled at the shorter boy.

“Hey, Ev.”

“Hi,” Evan said with a slight blush on his cheeks.

They didn't have much time to talk because soon enough the bell rang and they headed to their classes. It was English for Connor and as he sat down and looked at the teacher he knew she had read his story.

She looked at him with that smile adults gave teens when they had done something they didn’t expect or hoped for. Connor couldn’t help the small speck of hope and pride that bloomed in his chest. She hadn’t even praised him or anything and still, he felt like he had done something right for what felt like the very first time in his whole school life.

He wasn’t the one to get compliments or proud looks from teachers. He was used to scolding and anger, sometimes frustration also came to play. It was all very surprising and new. He was actually liking some of his classes and he was sure that doing the homework assigned with Evan played a big part in it. He couldn’t even start explaining how much Evan changed his life in such a small amount of time.

By the end of the class, he was ready to get out of the class when Ms. Santana called him and asked to talk. Now he wasn’t so sure she had like his essay or his story. He was ready for scolding or detention. He was so not ready for what actually came.

“Connor, I wanted to know if the short story you sent me by mistake was written by you…” She let space for him to answer and he just nodded his head. “That’s what I thought! How do you feel about publishing it in the school newspaper?”

“Oh,” Connor was stunned and speechless. “Not under my name,” He ended up blurting out.

“I see, we could use another name or even publish it anonymously.”

“Another name would be fine, can I think about it?”

“Sure, I’ll wait for your answer by Friday, okay?”

“Right,” Connor moved to leave before looking back at the teacher. “Thank you for the opportunity, Ms. Santana.”

“You’re welcome, Connor. I’m glad I got to read something you wrote, you’re very talented.”

Connor blushed and nodded, leaving the class and being almost late for his next one.

He was quiet at lunch, Evan didn’t try to make him talk and he was glad, they ate in companionable silence and soon enough it was time to get back.

The week flew by and suddenly it was Friday and he decided to publish his story anonymously. It was safer and he couldn’t think of another name to publish under. He sent off an email to Ms. Santana to let her know his decision and she replied excitedly. 


	6. it’s you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan writes.

Evan sat in front of his computer and stared at the “Dear Evan Hansen,” written in the beginning of the page. He hated these letters. He hated that he couldn’t even be truthful in them because he’d have to read them aloud and he didn’t want to discuss certain things.

He sighed and opened another blank Word document. He wrote “Dear Connor Murphy,” right on the top of the page and let his fingers spill his whole heart on the page.

He didn’t want to discuss Connor in therapy but he still wanted to be able to talk about him. He wanted to open his heart and maybe make sense of his feelings.

His fingers flew over the keyboard, typing so quickly it impressed Evan. Mistakes were made and Evan couldn’t care less. Nobody would read it. Nobody would know.

By the time he finished writing everything he was a little breathless. He had started talking about his feelings and somehow lost himself in how he really felt about his life and the ones around him. He still felt so worthless sometimes. So broken. He couldn’t help it.

He touched his face and realized a few tears ran down his face. He tried taking deep breaths and went back to the original Word document he was supposed to be writing for his therapist.

It was a little easier then, having written it all without restraints just a few minutes prior. He felt much more aware of his emotions and more in touch with his feelings. Maybe it was what these letters were supposed to be from the beginning.

He didn’t want to write about how good his day or week would be, he wanted to be able to not feel so hopeful about everything, was it so wrong? He just wanted to be honest with himself and his feelings. He didn’t want to ignore them and keep on pretending it would be good or great or awesome.

He sighed and looked over at his letter. He mentioned Connor twice, he smiled at that. He was helping Evan without even realizing he was doing so. His silent support and non-judgment did wonders to Evan’s insecurities, he didn’t feel like he was about to mess everything up all the time. He reveled in the sureness that they both were imperfect and flawed. He didn’t have standards of social adequacy to live up to. They didn’t fit in but at least now they didn’t fit in _together._

He set his things aside and went to bed. The week passed in the blink of an eye, the school was busy and his days were full of exploring the city with Connor. They hung out every day this week and it made Evan smile endlessly.

It was weird how they went from silly jokes to talking about serious shit and then Connor would crack a joke and things would go back to normal. It was a nice balance.

Evan started opening up more at his therapy appointments and it helped. It was weird how things were working out. His whole life took a turn for the better and he wasn’t expecting that. Actually, he had wanted everything to end went he jumped from that tree. The universe was smiling at him now somehow. He took him blessings really seriously and he wouldn’t begin questioning it right now.

Monday came and when he opened his locker something fell out of it. He frowned. It wasn’t there when he arrived at school. It was the school's newspaper. He wondered if someone stuffed it inside his locker by accident. There was a page dedicated to an anonymous short story titled Black and White. It caught his eye and he folded it carefully before putting it in his backpack to read later. He liked to read and it sounded interesting. Besides, if someone took the time to write it and someone thought it worthy of publishing in the school paper, he would give it a read.

Connor drove him home and they were blasting music and laughing. It was surprising to know that their music taste met on several points. It was easy for them to talk about music and decide on what they'd listen to. Although Connor had that emo slash punk vibe going on he was much more of an indie kind of guy and Evan was one as well.

”Will you come over later?” Evan asked before climbing out of the car.

”I don't think so, my mom is on my case about not being home lately.”

”Oh,” Evan didn’t sound all too excited.

”You could come over if you wanted, though.”

”Sounds good,” Evan smiled. “See you later.”

“Alligator,” Connor completed and Evan snorted before closing the car door.

Evan fixed a grilled cheese for him to eat and sat on the couch to read the school paper. With every word his heart fluttered and got warmer. It was sweet and so well written. It was a story about loneliness and friendship.

The boy in the story felt so lonely that everything around him was black and white, he saw only in shades of grey. Nobody understood, nobody got close. Until one did. It was subtle but he started seeing shades of blue and green. Suddenly he could see color. He had a friend.

Evan may or may not have wept a little in the end. It hit him too close for comfort.

He sniffled and laughed at himself. God, he was a lost cause. He got up and sent Connor a message saying he’d be coming over. He also shot a message to his mom, just to let her know where he’d be.

At this point his mom didn’t even bat an eye at Connor, she had easily accepted him in their routine and their house. Connor never slept over but he doubted she’d be against it.

He put his shoes on once again, grabbed his things and headed to Connor’s. It was always a bit awkward arriving there, his mom was always so eager to greet him like she was making the utmost effort to be excited. He could tell she was tired. Maybe it was just in his head.

He found Connor in his room, he was laying starfished on the carpet. His things all over the place. Evan laid by him and started talking about the short story he had just read.

“His friend didn’t give him his colors back,” He gushed to Connor later. Connor was watching him with a glint in his eye.

“How so?” He asked.

“He got his colors back because he allowed himself to feel again. He let himself feel lonely and to be loved later.”

Connor hummed and nodded. He blushed slightly when Evan complimented the author profusely. Evan squinted his eyes and frowned looking Connor closely.

“Oh my god,” He gasped. Connor’s head snapped as he turned quickly to look at him.

“What?”

“You’re the author,” Evan had his mouth open in surprise and awe. “You put the paper in my locker.”

Connor blushed even further. He looked at the ground with red cheeks and smiled slightly. “I promised I’d let you read something I wrote.”

Evan hugged him sideways and giggled. “You are incredible, Connor Murphy.”

“Oh, stop it.”

“Uh-uh, you’re not allowed to decline this compliment.”

“Yes, sir,” Connor giggled, he was still blushing and he couldn’t contain his smile.

He started seeing a future ahead of him. A small little thing but it was more than he had ever had. He was afraid to hold onto that speck of hope but as the time went on he started to realize that for all the time that he had wanted to die, all he really wanted was to feel alright.


	7. You really know how to make me cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Larry A+ parenting. Beware of homophobic slurs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! this chapter contains the f slur. Beware of it. It happens towards the end oh the chapter. Stay safe!

They moved from the floor to the bed after Evan started complaining about his back hurt.

“Let’s go to bed, old man.”

Connor said groaning as he got up himself. 

“Who’s the old man again?,” Evan raised an eyebrow.

Evan started playing on his phone and Connor was checking instagram. They stayed in silence save for the times Connor showed a funny meme to Evan on his phone. 

Evan was a little tired, he got almost no sleep the night before. His anxiety didn’t let up until about 4 a.m. and it sucked. He couldn’t stop his mind and that heavy feeling on his chest. It always felt as though he would be sick any minute. 

His eyelids were heavy and closing on their own accord. Connor took his phone from his hands and set it on the nightstand.

“Sleep,” He commanded.

“I’m fine, Con,” Evan tried to argue.

“I never said you weren’t, just rest for a bit,” Connor said also putting his phone on the nightstand and closing his eyes.

Evan huffed but he didn’t have much strength to fight sleep as it was. It took no time at all for him to fall asleep. It was easier with Connor by his side. It seemed to settle him knowing someone was there if needed be.

It seemed they always gravitated towards each other in their sleep. Always ending up pressed together or cuddling. Connor didn’t know what to make of it in the beginning so he just ignored it as he did everything else in his life, but only this one was actually a good thing.

Evan, on the other hand, suppressed his anxiety greatly the first time, he tried to play it too cool and it worked for some time until he couldn’t ignore it anymore and had a mini-meltdown with his mom one day.

She talked him down and showed him that if it was okay with Connor he shouldn’t worry. Connor wasn’t the kind to keep things that bothered him hidden away. Evan had nodded and taken several deep breaths to streaky himself. It was true. They were open with each other. Connor would tell him if it was something that wasn’t okay with him.

Now it had become something almost too natural for them to unconsciously seek comfort on the other. Sometimes they’d cuddle watching a movie or just talking and sometimes they’d cuddle like this, after falling asleep. 

Evan guessed Connor was like his old ninja turtle night lamp. He kept the bad guys far away. It was proved wrong when he was startled awake by a slam of a door and screams.

Connor was up so fast Evan got dizzy for him. He saw a red faced Larry Murphy by the door. He was still too hazy from sleep to fully understand what he was yelling at Connor. 

“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?” Larry Murphy wasn’t one to say swear words, thinking it too low for him. It was worrisome to hear him saying it. 

Connor’s hands turned into fists by his side and Evan feared for what was about to happen. 

“Larry, it’s my friend Evan,” Evan could hear the strain in Connor’s voice, the way he was trying to keep himself in check and it marveled him a bit.

“Friend,” Larry sneered at him. “I thought it was a fucking joke that day you pitifully “came out” to us.” 

Connor’s breathing was irregular and he was truly trying to control himself. His heart was beating so loud in his ears it was hard to hear.

“I thought it was just another thing you did to infuriate me! You’re not my son.” Larry had lost all the pose, he had lost control. “I refuse to believe I raised a _fag_. You are a disappointment, I’m embarrassed of you.”

Connor’s eyes were wide, his heart was breaking. It was his dad. Never before had he said such hurtful things. He refused to cry, he was trying so hard. He had been trying so hard.

“WHAT?” Connor snapped his head at the voice. Zoe. “Guess what, dad. You didn’t raise only one gay kid but TWO!” Zoe was breathing hard and yelling at their dad. Connor couldn't believe it.

“What?” Larry whispered looking at Zoe stunned.

“Well, now that you don’t have any child to be proud of there isn’t much else you can gloat about, uh?” Zoe sounded hurt and her words must have stung because Larry raised his hand. Connor wasn’t fast enough. By the time he was by his father’s side another hand had grabbed his wrist. 

“Raise your hand with the intent to hurt my children again and you’ll never see us again.” Connor gasped at his mom’s words. He thought he had lost both of them with Larry’s words. Cynthia had never talked back at him. She always either nodded her head or stayed quiet. 

He saw her trying to reach out to him when his dad wasn’t around. It wasn’t enough. He had always wanted, not only wanted, no, he had always  _needed_ her support, but not behind the scenes. Not only when _he wasn’t looking._

__

“Is it true?” Connor mumbled at Zoe. 

__

“Yes, I may not be seeing anyone but I’m pansexual.”

__

“What does-“ Larry stopped himself at the angry stares. He shook his hand from Cynthia’s hold and stormed out of the house, only the slam of the front door was left to be heard. 

__

Zoe and Cynthia gathered Connor in their arms and he broke down. Ugly sobs coming from him, his shoulders shaking.

__

“I’m so sorry, honey,” His mother tried to comfort him. “I’m so sorry I didn’t do something sooner.”

__

Connor was only able to nod his head as he continued to cry.

__

“I’m sorry you had to out yourself for me, Zoe,” Connor’s voice came all muffled and a little choked.

__

“I did it because I wanted to, Connor. I couldn’t take it anymore.”

__

After some time they let him go and he turned to look at Evan. The boy didn’t seem to know what to make of himself. His hands were fidgeting and he was looking at his feet. He seemed so uncomfortable and awkward Connor’s heart hurt. It had been so long since Evan had acted like that around him.

__

He looked back at his family and they nodded at him and closed the door softly.

__

“Hey,” Connor called him softly, sitting by his side.

__


	8. talk it out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reassurance and love.

Evan bit his lip and looked at Connor.

“I’m so sorry, Con, I’ll understand if you never want to talk to me again.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I- I did that! I’m the reason you and your dad fought.”

“No,” Connor said forcefully.

“But-“ Connor interrupted him.

“He is the reason we fought, his homophobia and bigotry are the sole reason it happened.”

“Connor, I don’t have a dad and I don’t want that for you,” Evan whispered, sounding broken. “He left because of me and now yours did that too.”

“Ev,” Connor called and touched his shoulder. “It’s not your fault okay? You can ask anyone. What other people decide to do is not on you.”

Evan sniffed and nodded not sounding too convinced.

“Look, you made me stay.”

“Uh?” Evan frowned confused.

“That day you found me at the orchard,” Connor tried to explain, it was hard for him as well. He didn’t want to admit it out loud. It made it so much more real. “You made me want to stay.”

“Where were you going?” Evan still didn’t get it.

“I was going to kill myself that day, Ev,” Connor said the words so softly Evan almost didn’t hear them. He gasped, mouth open and eyes wide.

“Oh,” was the only thing he said.

“I understand if you don’t want to stay, too,” Connor gave him a sad smile. “I know I’m fucked up.”

Evan looked at him and looked back at the arm he had the cast at the beginning of the school year. The skin there a little paler than in his forearm.

“Ev?” Connor called him once again.

“I-“ He took a deep breath. “I get it.”

Connor looked at his arm as well this time. He understood what it meant. He grabbed his hand in both of his. “Ev, did you- ?” He didn’t complete his question.

Evan nodded in response. He couldn’t even look Connor on the eyes as he admitted that. “You make me want to stay, too, Con. You’re good and talented and- You make me glad I couldn’t do it right.”

Connor hugged him. His face buried in Evan’s neck, he could feel Evan’s breathing on his neck. They held the other close. Their darkest secrets were now out in the open. 

Evan left after calming down in Connor’s arms. He touched Connor’s cheek and said his goodbyes, promising they’d keep in touch. 

Cynthia called him as soon as he closed the door to let Evan out. 

“I want to talk to you.”

“Okay,” Connor nodded and sat by her side.

“I want to apologize for today.”

“But-“ Connor tried to say before being interrupted with a hand on his shoulder.

“Let me finish,” She said in a calm tone of voice. “I want to apologize for letting this situation get to this point. I know I neglected you, Connor. I tried to help you but always at an arm's length distance. Now I know you needed someone to get closer and that boy was it for you. I see the way you look at each other, like you’re important and cared for. I’m sorry I never spoke up against your father even when I didn’t agree with what was said and done. I was afraid but being afraid only hurt you.”

“Mom,” Connor pleaded. He didn’t want to admit it was all true. He was too used to being the reason his family fell apart.

“Honey, that’s okay. I see how much better you got these past months. I hardly ever see you high anymore, I can’t even recall the last time! I received a phone call from the school telling me your grades improved and I’m sorry if I was too selfish to bring it up because I thought you’d go back to your old ways if I said anything.”

“I’m sorry for getting into so much trouble,” Connor sniffed. He was still too shaken to keep his tears to himself as he usually did. 

“Oh honey, I think we both made too many mistakes and we got to move on from them, right?”

“I’d like that,” He hugged her. He felt wetness on his shoulder and it made him cry harder. It was like a hundred pounds were lifted from his shoulders. 

“I accept and love you, Connor. As you are. You are my son and who you love would never change that.” He was going to be okay. They were going to be okay. 

“Oh god, what a cry fest is this?” Zoe said all choked up from the kitchen door. 

They laughed wetly and Connor got up to give Zoe a hug. “I’d like to apologize for the things I made you go through.”

“Yeah, that sucked but I also wasn’t the nicest.”

“I guess it all goes back to the mistakes we made and how we move past them,” Connor shrugged.

“Oh god when did we become  _that_ kind of family?” 

“What kind?” Cynthia sounded slightly offended.

“The ones that talk about  _feelings_ ,” Connor fake shuddered and it made them laugh. 


	9. mother knows best

Evan got home still shaken up. Heidi was sat on the couch watching a rom-com on TV. Her eyes darted at him as he got in and she was by his side in the blink of an eye.

“Honey, what happened?”

Evan started crying quietly, silent tears running down his face as his mom gathered him in her arms. His shoulder shook and he held onto her shirt firmly.

“Hey, hey, we’ll be okay, baby. Come sit,” She sat with at the couch, the angle a little weird for she was still holding him close.

“He was so mean,” Evan mumbled. Heidi frowned, whoever did that to her boy was going to have to face her.

“We weren’t doing anything, I promise,” Evan cried harder.

“What happened, Evan? Was it that boy Connor?”

“No,” Evan sounded alarmed as he let himself let go of his mom for a moment.

“It- It was h- his dad,” Evan took a shaky breath. Heidi nodded her head as she patiently waited for him to continue feeling conflicted

“We-“ He gulped before continuing, “We were sleeping in Connor’s bed, only sleeping and it was all my- it was all my f- fault because I couldn’t- couldn’t fall asleep last night and- and he is so nice and I was like really- really tired at his house but- but I still wanted- I wanted to hang out with him and- and then- then his d-d-dad,” Evan starts sobbing again, his anxiety went through the roof and his hands were shaking.

“Okay, honey you don’t have to tell me now.”

“No- n-no, I need to,” Evan insisted. "He s-started screaming and saying so- s-saying so many horrible things, mom."

"Oh, Evan," She held him firmly as if trying to take away his pain.

"Connor was so- he was so mad and so so hurt," Evan took a deep breath. "He had- he had been doing better, so much better, his d-das had no right." Heidi nodded even if he couldn't see her.

"Zoe intervened, Zoe is his sister- Connor's sister. Mom, his had raised his hand to hit her," Evan whispered the last part.

"What? Should I call the police?"

"I- I don't know. His mom arrived in time to stop him but- but it made me wonder," Evan’s voice wobbled. "What if he had- what if he had done that before? What if he had done that to him? To Connor, I mean."

Evan was speaking very fast and his breath was starting to become irregular once again.

"Honey, you have to breathe. We don't know, you should talk to him, make sure he is alright. We can't do much besides being there for him."

Evan nodded and gulped, he tried taking deep breaths and calm himself down. He wouldn't be helping Connor like this. And that's all he wanted. He wanted to be there for him.

"Evan?" His mom called him attention. "You like him, right?" She had a sparkle in her eyes as she said it.

"Uh," Evan's heart was racing again. What should he say? Should he tell her the truth? He had just told her Connor's dad has been a homophobic asshole. Oh my god, he hadn't exactly told her, had he?

Heidi chuckled. "It's okay, honey. I'm pretty sure he likes you too."

What?

“I support you, Evan. I think you’re cute together and you are good for each other.”

“Oh,” was all Evan could muster. He was still a bit shaken up and stunned. He wasn’t expecting open support from his mom.

“I love you,” his lip wobbled and he hugged her again.

“I love you, too,” She said holding him close. “Okay, why don’t you go upstairs, change into your pajamas and we watch a movie together?”

“I’d like that,” Evan smiled at her.

“What do you want to watch?”

“Something Disney?”

“Disney movie it is.” She nodded her head.

 

* * *

 

Larry came home late that night. Connor heard the front door open and close. He went to his door and locked it softly. He wanted to feel safe, even if a locked door didn’t mean much.

He didn’t know what would be of them as a family. Connor was so glad for the support his mom and sister showed him and it was much more than what he ever expected. Not even in his wildest dreams he imagined one day his mom would gather him in her arms and apologize.

Adults didn’t apologize to their children. Even if they should. Even if they hurt them, wronged them, they didn’t admit they were wrong. Connor thought it to be so fucked up. That’s one of the reasons he didn’t want to have kids. He couldn’t risk bringing a person into this world to hurt them or to make them feel less.

He sighed and leaned down. He heard his parents talking through his door, it was low so he stayed really quiet to hear what they’d say.

“I can’t accept it,” he heard Larry saying.

“It’s not something you accept or not, Larry,” His mom sighed. “It’s who he is, it doesn’t depend on our acceptance, it’s the reality, it’s already here.”

There was a long pause. More things were said too low for Connor to hear. It still floored him how supportive his mom was acting even when he wasn’t there and wasn’t supposed to be listening.

He stopped trying to hear what they were saying. If at least one of his parents would love and support him it was enough, he decided. Nothing was perfect. It was still his life at the end of the day. And it had always been too fucked up to turn perfect in just a few short months.

Evan had made it too easy for him to pretend everything was fine because when they were together that was the truth. He felt good around him. Not perfect but enough and cared for. Every time Connor thought about him it got a smile on his face. He hadn’t deserved to hear the thing Larry said. To be honest, Connor hadn’t deserved it too.

It was getting harder and harder to not think about Evan romantically and it was bothering him. He wasn’t able to move on as he had imagined he would do. He only wanted to spend more and more time with him. Connor wanted to hold his hand and look into his eyes and be able to tell him how amazing he was and how it made Connor feel.

He wanted to hold Evan close and whisper sweet nothings into his ear. He wanted to cherish him and kiss him and love him. Connor wanted to allow himself to love Evan. It was too easy to fall for him and Connor felt as if he had already jumped - with no parachute or prospect of safe landing.

They needed to talk and Connor wasn’t looking forward to that conversation. Even more so after his homophobic father’s outburst. But he’d do it. He had to.


	10. I’ll stay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dear Connor Murphy, 
> 
> Today is going to be a good day because you’re here and you’re loved. Keep pushing through.  
> I love you.
> 
> Sincerely,  
> Me.

The next morning Evan sent a message to Connor. 

_ Wanna hang out? _

 

**At the orchard?**

 

_ Yep _

 

**Picking you up in 30**

 

_ Cool  _

 

Both boys rushed to get ready, Evan printed the Dear Connor Murphy letter he wrote without thinking too much of it, otherwise, he would chicken out. His hands were shaking slightly as he folded the paper and carefully put it in his back pocket.

He went down the stairs quickly when Connor shot him a message he was there. He smoothed out the front of his shirt before opening the front door. He felt silly because by now he and Connor had hung out what felt like a hundred times. It may have actually been a hundred times, but who was counting?

Connor was tapping on the steering wheel nervously, it wasn’t rhythmic or anything. It screamed nerves and his hands were a little clammy. It gulped a few times and tried to calm down. He wanted to see Evan but as well as things were as he left yesterday, it still felt too soon to expect things to be okay for both of them.

He watched as Evan walked to the car with a small smile on his face. Evan seemed a bit nervous and he couldn’t blame him, could he? He opened the door and got in the car. They only looked at each other for a moment, they were trying to see if the other was okay, looking for something they couldn’t exactly pinpoint.

“How are you doing?” Evan spoke up first, saying the words quietly.

“I’m-“ Connor paused. “I’m fine I guess.”

“Yeah?” Evan let out a sigh that he seemed to be holding for way too long when Connor nodded. “Okay, yeah, good.”

“And you?” Connor nudged him with his elbow, “How are you holding up?”

“I’m good. I came out to my mom yesterday,” He said blushing remembering how she had said Connor may like him as well.

“And how did that go?” Connor turned him whole body to face Evan.

“Good,” Evan had a small smile on his face, “She was really supportive,” He couldn’t get rid of that blush on his cheeks. His hands were fidgeting a little on his lap so Connor reached out and grabbed them in between his own.

“I’m so happy for you, Ev,” Connor squeezed his hands and smiled at him. “You deserve it.”

Evan frowned. “You deserve to be accepted and supported too, Con.”

“Yeah,” Connor shrugged dismissing the words as if he didn’t believe it at all. Evan fixed him a stern look and Connor at least had the decency of looking a bit regretful.

“Okay, let’s go, I want to lay on the grass.” 

“It may be too cold for that,” Connor said starting the car.

“Wait a second then,” Evan opened the door and ran inside his house. It took him a few minutes to come outside again with a handful of blankets. He put it on the back seat and blushed when Connor raised an eyebrow at him quizzically.

“I just want to lay down and if it’s too cold to do that I’ll bring blankets.”

Connor snorted and started driving. “I’m cuddling the shit out of you, beware.”

“Not complaining at all,” Evan mumbled and blushed. He was still a little fidgety from the anxiety attack he had the day before, he had taken his medication but it wasn’t a magical pill. He would be fine eventually he tried to remind himself. 

Connor reached a hand and intertwined their fingers. He looked over at him and smiled reassuringly. Evan felt like crying. This silent ever-present support was everything he had always longed for. He had spent so many days and nights asking for someone who would want to be there for him without ever asking for anything in return. Connor never asked for anything and somehow it made Evan want to give him everything he has.

The letter he had in his pocket seemed to be burning holes through it but he still felt as if it wasn’t the right time to bring it up. Soon enough they got to the orchard, Connor reached for one blanket as Evan grabbed the other one. They got in through a broken hole in the fence and looked for a nice spot to lay down against a tree.

They set everything down and sat against the tree. Evan sat down almost on his side. His head leaning against Connor’s chest. One leg over his. Connor wrapped one arm around Evan’s shoulders and held him close. They stayed in silence for a long time with a blanket wrapped around them as they just looked at the trees and the sky.

“So,” Connor started. Evan hummed to let him know he was paying attention. “Are we talking about yesterday?”

“We can,” Evan looked up at him with such an earnest look on his face Connor wanted to kiss him.

“How are you feeling about all of that crap?”

“I’m not pretending I didn’t have a total meltdown when I got home but I’m fine. I’d like to know how you’re dealing with it all.”

“I’m okay,” Connor said softly. To Evan, it sounded much more like he was trying to convince himself than anyone else. He pulled away from Connor’s arms, he wasn’t the one needing to be held and cared for right now. 

He touched Connor’s cheek and ran his fingers through his hair. Evan gave him a sad smile and watched Connor’s eyes fill to the brim with unshed tears. He pulled him in for a hug and Connor wept quietly on his shoulder. 

Evan leaned back into the tree and Connor leaned into him, his face still safely tucked in Evan’s neck. He could feel Connor’s unsteady breaths and he tried to keep running his hand over Connor’s hair and rubbing calming circles on his back. Little by little his breathing started to level out and he reached out for the hand that was touching his hair to intertwine their fingers.

He sighed deeply. “I’m not okay,” Connor whispered.

“I know,” Evan whispered back. “But we’ll get through it together, right?”

“I guess,” He mumbled.

“Talk to me, Con,” Evan’s voice was calm and steady. He didn’t know how he was managing it seeing how he was feeling and acting just the day before.

“I-“  Connor sniffled, “I just feel sad I guess? Like I’m not worth anything. I’m tearing my family apart, Ev.”

“You’re not. I was there, Connor. Your dad is the one to blame. You don’t have to justify your existence.”

“But Ev, I made so many mistakes already,” Connor sounded too tired to argue.

“So did I. Do you think I’m less worthy of existing happily in this world? Because sometimes even I begin to doubt it.”

“No, of course not! You’re incredible, Ev.”

“You are incredible too. We all make mistakes, Con. The only thing we can do is try to learn from it and move on. A nice guy taught me that. He makes me feel worthy and I was hoping I could help him with that too.”

Connor laughed wetly. “Damn, Evan Hansen. That guy must be worth something if he was able to help you.”

“I do think so, but he doesn’t think too highly of himself.”

“It sucks.”

“Yeah, but I’m gonna remind him every day for as long as he wants me around.”

“That might be forever,” Connor mumbled, he blushed and hid his head in the crook of Evan’s neck again when he realized what that implied.

“Good,” Evan said simply holding him impossibly closer.

The silence fell upon them one more time. Their breath filling the air around them, the wind and the birds creating an environment so perfect that Evan was reluctant to say anything that might disrupt it.

After what felt like an eternity Evan received a message from his mom asking if he would have dinner at home and it made him feel slightly guilty of not taking advantage of the rare free days she had. So he shot her a message that they’d be having dinner together and told Connor that he needed to head home.

They got up and stretched lazily, then they gathered the blankets into their arms and carried it to the car. Something had shifted between them. Their touches lingering and their shared looks more meaningful.

Connor drove them to Evan’s house and he opened the door to get out of the car. Before getting out, he looked over at Connor and he looked so cozy he wanted to kiss him. So he did. He leaned in and placed a kiss right on Connor’s cheek, way too close to his mouth to be something just friends did. 

Evan blushed and all but ran to the porch of this house. Before opening his home’s door he looked back and waved a tentative goodbye to a stunned Connor frozen inside the car. Connor drove home after making sure Evan was safe and sound inside his house.

He was about to get out of the car when he spotted a folded piece of paper where Evan had sat. He picked it up and debated if he should open it or not. On one hand, it could be just a piece of schoolwork he dropped accidentally, on the other hand, it could be Evan’s and it would be rude to open it in case it was something personal. 

He decided to take it to his room and decide what he’d do later. Laying on his bed that night Connor debated of whether he should open it or not. After some time he realized he was making a way bigger of a deal out of it than necessary. 

He turned it a few times in his hands before deciding he would open it. He had agreed with himself that if it was Evan’s he wouldn’t read further and tell him he found it in the car. That seemed like a good plan until he caught his name on the top of the paper. He’d like to say he had better self-restraint but who he was trying to kid? He couldn’t stop himself from reading the whole thing.

 

_ Dear Connor Murphy, _

 

_ Not every day is a good day but every bad day I spend with you seems less bad than what it used to be. Not every day is going to be great but I’d settle for “okay” if it was with you. Even “okay” days feel better than what great days used to feel like without you. You make my heart beat fast, my cheeks hurt from laughing and you give me butterflies in the stomach. _

 

_ It’s weird how much you’ve changed me in such a short amount of time. Because that’s what you did. You flipped my world upside down and made me see life differently. You make me feel like I’m important. I wanted you to know that you are important too. Even if it’s just for me. I wish it was enough. I’m not sure I’m enough or if I'll ever be. But regardless of it, it floors me every time you look at me as if the words coming out of my mouth interest you. It shocks me time and time again as you let me hold you and see you vulnerable but never as much as it does when you hold me right back. _

 

_ Maybe I can be enough. That’s what I’ve been hoping since we started hanging out. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and you leave me. I try so hard to stop these thoughts because I know you wouldn’t do that but at the same time why wouldn’t you? I second guess myself every minute of the day. But as soon as we meet all these thoughts go flying off my head. _

 

_ I’m trying to break this pattern of self-hate and you’re helping me. You challenge me and you make it safe for me to be myself. You listen to my rambles and you also call me in my bullshit but most importantly, Connor Murphy, you make me wanna stay. Your presence assures that things might be okay and you’ll be here if they’re not. _

 

_ I’ll never stop being amazed by the person you turned out to be. I’d try to stop myself from falling for you but it seems I already jumped. Now I can only cross my fingers and keep my hopes up while I wait for you to catch me or let me hit the ground. Either way, I’m trying to enjoy the ride that is experiencing life by your side. _

 

_ Sincerely, _

_ Me. _

 

Connor’s eyes were filled with tears and he was slightly out of breath. The tears streamed down his face and he sniffed a couple of times. He never, in a hundred years, thought he would find happiness and love. He had given up at some point and everything aspireled down. 

He thought back at the beginning of the school year and if he ever found himself and told him the life he’d have just months later he’d laugh, completely devoid of hope. Now he could look at his future and not feel the complete despair he used to. He had something to look forward to and things obviously weren’t perfect, his mental health maybe would never be 100% okay, however, now he knew what it felt like to be fine, even if it was for a short amount of time. It made him want to find help.

He gulped as he reread the last part of the letter. Evan loved him. He truly loved him. And Connor didn’t know what to do. He wanted to scream from the top of his lungs and drive to Evan’s house to kiss him senseless. He thought it wasn’t a good idea to that in the middle of the night. He would definitely be doing that in the morning, though.

He woke up extra early next morning, he got ready putting more effort into his appearance than usual and actually tried to do something with his hair. He put his best ripped jeans and cologne on.

He was in front of Evan’s door as he sent the usual text that he was there and Evan replied saying he was coming. Connor fidgeted with the letter in his hand a few times, he wasn’t able to not feel nervous even if it was a written love letter he had in his hands. Evan opened the door and jumped a little making Connor chuckle.

“Hey,” Evan said with a cute smile on his face.

“Hey, uh-“ Connor shifted in front of him. “I- I read your letter.”

He raised said letter and watched as Evan looked at the letter in his hands and started to blush. He looked over at Connor with red cheeks and an uncertain look in his eyes.

“Oh,” was the only thing Evan said.

Connor opened and closed his mouth a few times. He had rehearsed the things he wanted to say and right now he couldn’t let even one of them out. He took a deep breath to steady himself and reached forward to close the distance between him and Evan.

Evan was clearly surprised seeing he froze and his eyes were wide open, however, it didn’t take long at all for him to relax and lean into the kiss. His arms wrapping around Connor's waist as the taller boy rested a hand on Evan’s neck with the other running through his hair. Evan sighed into the kiss and smiled a little, his mom had been right then. 

“Evan,” they heard from behind them. They looked around and spotted Heidi standing there with a smile on her lips and Evan’s lunch on her hands. “I guess you boys finally figured things out, didn’t you?”

Evan and Connor at least had the decency to look embarrassed and nodded their heads.

“Good, I hope you come for dinner more often now you’re Evan’s boyfriend,” She turned around to enter the kitchen one more time after giving Evan his lunch.

“So,” Evan turned to look at Connor. “Boyfriend?”

“I’d like that,” Connor leaned down once more to kiss Evan on the lips. The kiss was a little weird as both of them couldn’t stop smiling but it didn’t faze them.

“You’re going to be late for school, boys,” Heidi called from the kitchen and they chuckled.

They walked to the car holding hands and smiling so big they felt their cheeks hurt a little. For now, things were okay and it’s all that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the end guys!  
> make sure to check my other stories.  
> Hope you enjoyed the ride that was writing this one ♡


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